guilt

This will take a lot of revision to get out what I'm trying to I think.

Sometimes I think that a lot of the decisions I make are based largely on guilt.  And not so much my own guilt, but I allow other people to make me feel guilty.  I recognize that people want what's best for me and when they think I am doing something contrary to that, they do what they can to keep me from doing said activity or whatever.  Then if I end up not doing what x or y thinks is best I feel endlessly guilty for it.  As Jody observed, I am in an "overanalyzing place."  I find myself so worried about what other people will think or want, that what I "want" becomes skewed.

I don't want to be the irresponsible drinker that was characteristic of my time spent in Davis.  And I don't want to allow drinking to rule my life like it has some of my family members.  But, I don't think I need the all or nothing mentality.  But, I think that's the mentality that I have allowed myself to be convinced of.  Because of this, I'm not sure who I am today is who I am meant to be either.  I think, in all reality, I am somewhere in between.  

I find humor in a lot of the situations I've found myself in in my past.  But, I've come to be ashamed of these stories.  And I don't know why that is.  I shouldn't be ashamed.  I'm proud of the searching I've done in my day, regardless of the many "poor" choices along the way.  

I've recently found new hope in a long lost relationship, in a fairly bizarre way.  It was not by anyone's stretch of the imagination an awesome relationship.  But people change.  We both have.  I have no expectations to come back from my visit in a relationship.  But, I do think I owe it to myself to explore the path.

I'm tired of allowing other people's opinions effect the way I see myself.  my goals.  my choices.  my life.  That's all I got.  I'll make this better later.

I don't know if my old teacher wrote this herself or if I should be crediting someone else.  Either way, she was my high school advanced anatomy teacher and she inspired me in great ways.  These were the final words she left us with:

"There is no doubt about it, when it comes to living, both the best and worst are yet to come.  Since what lie ahead of you is by your personal choice, more than ever your successes and failures are a reflection of the real you... Celebrate the successes and learn from your failures, relish every day... The journey of life will most likely be filled with detours, so select your detours wisely as they can lead to grand adventures or great disappointment..."

I have always believed in experiencing things to their fullest.  I think in order to fully experience our emotions, we must be vulnerable.  Just like anything else in life.  In order to experience greatness, we must make ourselves vulnerable to great suffering.  It's a bit of a paradox.  But, crippled by fear or guilt, we will never experience things fully.

Here's to the continual search for self.